Dear Professor
Blackstone,
I would like to
take this opportunity to introduce myself, as a student attending your
Effective Communication module. My name
is Chan Wei but you can kindly address me as Ray.
I am a graduate
from Ngee Ann Polytechnic, Diploma in Mechanical Engineering.
My passion for science &
innovation has enabled me to excel in both academically & curriculum
achievements. Prior to university matriculation,
I was working in an engineering film which intrigues my drive in pursuing my
degree in Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering (Land). Ultimately, I am a
strong believer that education is a lifelong process of keeping abreast of
change.
Being a student
for almost two decades has significantly accredited to my traits of constant self-improvement
and inquisitiveness. In my personal
opinion, my strength will be having the confidence to present & converse my
way; to be heard. Given my empathetic
& humorous attributes, also allows myself to connect well with people that
in turns create a good rapport.
Towards my
leisure time, I’ll read up mostly on self-help books and attending investments
seminars which greatly expand my horizon. However, these are often a
double-edged sword. As my social circle expands, individuals from all different
ethnicity are inevitable. Thus, this has monumentally reflected on my weakness
of which, in enunciating certain vocabulary to justify or making a stand.
Having the golden opportunity in enrolling in this elective, I would like to set define goals for myself at the end of this module. For which, I aspire to become a better speaker & perhaps creating a positive professional image. I am looking forward to the next lesson.
Best Regards,
Wong Chan Wei (Ray)
SIE2016 | Tutorial
Group 6
Hi Ray, i felt that you portrayed an excellent choice of language used and the flow of the content throughout the whole letter was smooth. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Angeline, thank you so much for your kind comments!
DeleteDear Ray,
ReplyDeleteI am surprised that we were in the same school previously.
Your post is very interesting to read. The content written is very good.
The part on which you described your strength could be further elaborated by stating how it works for you in a certain situation.
Hey YJ, that came as a surprise to me as well!
DeleteThank you for your constructive feedback!
Hi Ray. The content was very engaging and fun to read which I thoroughly enjoyed. Wide range of vocabulary used which was great and the organisation of the email was perfect as well. Perhaps you could describe more about your goals of this module at the end to make your email a little more descriptive. Nonetheless, it was a great effort.
ReplyDeleteCheers!
Hey Gerald, thank you for your time in reviewing my email!
DeleteI'll definitely take note of the points you've mentioned.
Hi Ray,
ReplyDeleteGood effort on the vocabulary usage and I really liked the organisational flow of the letter. Good job!
Hey Joe, I truly appreciate your kind words!
DeleteThank you for your time in reviewing my email.
*Commented on*
ReplyDeleteAngelina's: https://angelinatjl.blogspot.com/2019/09/assignment-1-formal-letter.html#comment-form
Gerald's: https://geraldthesimz.wordpress.com/2019/09/11/formal-email-on-self-introduction/
Sarah's: https://sarahseening.com/formal-letter/
Dear Ray,
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting lots of effort into writing this letter. You've followed the model presented in class quite closely and produced a letter that addresses each element requirement with quite a bit of detail. I appreciate all the info about your study background as well as the open explanation of your strengths and weaknesses in communication. In that regard, it's good to know, for instance, that you see one weakness as your 'enunciating certain vocabulary' as an issue. For me, that seems to come across in the way you misphrase at time swhat I can only assume you intend to communicate in writing. To enunciate means to articulate in terms of speech, but that never seems to be a problem when you speak in class. On the other hand, your written expression in this letter is quite often problematic. In terms of specific language use issues, we need to review the following:
1. clarity / use of ampersand
-- My passion for science & innovation has enabled me to excel in both academically & curriculum achievements. > (In text, you should use the word 'and' rather than the symnbol '&'. Also, how do curricuklum achievements differ from academic ones? This may be an American English versus a Singapore English issue since in my mind the curriculum is academic.)
2. phrasing/word use
-- an engineering film which intrigues my drive > ?
-- has significantly accredited to my traits of constant self-improvement and inquisitiveness. > The word 'accredited' here is a bit bombastic. And I wonder if self-improvement is less a trait than a goal.
-- the confidence to present & converse my way; to be heard. > (misuse of ampersand and the semi-colon/ meaning: What do you meaning when you state that you converse to be heard? Don't we all?
-- Towards my leisure time > In my leisure time
-- individuals from all different ethnicity are inevitable. > . I meet individuals from different ethnic groups
-- in this elective . > (Actually, this module is not an elective.)
-- to set define goals . > . to set definite goals
3. sentence structure
-- Given my empathetic & humorous attributes, also allows myself to connect well with people that in turns create a good rapport. > What is the main subject of this sentence? Do you need the word 'given'?
-- I’ll read up mostly on self-help books and attending investments seminars which greatly expand my horizon. > (lack of parallel structure/verb tense error)/subject verb agreement)
I read self-help books and attend investments seminars, which greatly expands my horizon.
-- Thus, this has monumentally reflected on my weakness of which, in enunciating certain vocabulary to justify or making a stand. > (wordiness/lack of parallel structure/misuse of relative clause)
Please don't let my extensive commentary here eclipse what you've done well in this letter in terms of content and organization. However, I do see that there is much we can achieve in terms of helping you move toward more accurate writing.
Let's set that as a specific goal in the next 10 weeks.
Best wishes,
Brad
Good day Prof,
DeleteI sincerely appreciate your effort/guidance in rectifying my mistakes, explicitly. Looking forward to your next class!